After
by ShawN7
Summary: The Reapers were destroyed and all synthetic life as well. When they finally find the Commander, shes broken and this time Miranda Lawson isn't sure she can bring back all of Shepard. Her fears become reality when Shepard wakes, but could this be the end or just a new beginning?
1. Broken

There was a distant, steady beeping somewhere. The sound was constant, something to focus on aside from the burning pain that pulsed through her body. She wanted to open her eyes, to get up and move, but her body wouldn't respond. It just throbbed in pain while she listened to the beep that never strayed.

Every once and a while, she would hear distant, muffled voices. She would hear arguing, or commands, or someone just speaking in a low, hushed voice. She could never make out the conversations, but there was always one voice that stood out from the rest. She longed to hear the voice when it stopped. She wish it never stopped.

It was a voice of strength to her, an angelic, familiar voice that made her want to keep fighting. She longed to put a face to it, to get up and hear it clearly.

She wasn't sure how long it was before she opened her eyes for the first time. It hurt like hell when she did. Her head burned and pulsed with pain. Her eyes burned against the lights above her, making her dizzy and unfocused. Her vision was blurred for awhile. She blinked a few times, slow and deliberate, trying to focus them.

When it passed, she looked upon a white tiled ceiling, with bright fluorescent lights. She slowly moved her eyes to the left to see a machine with a bunch of numbers and graphs that she didn't know how to read. It was beeping that familiar beep and she smiled wryly. She tried to turn her head, but her neck wouldn't respond and pain radiated down her spine like a lightning strike. She grimaced and just turned her eyes to the right.

What she focused on next took her breath away, or whatever little breath she had. In a chair pulled next to the bed was a sleeping woman. A beautiful, raven-haired woman in a skin tight black and white suit. She was resting her head on her hand, her eyelids fluttering in her sleep. Her full lips slightly parted. She looked exhausted. _How can someone with bags under their eyes look so beautiful? _She thought to herself, smiling again.

Who was this woman? She looks familiar, but she couldn't place her. She opened her mouth, wanting to ask this woman where she was, what happened, who she was, who was _she?_ Her eyes darted about the room in panic. _What _was_ going on?!_ Her mouth was so dry. She tried to speak but all that came out was a low groan. Her heart started pounding in her chest, threatening to burst through her ribcage in her panic. The machines beeping sped up and kept steadily rising in rhythm.

She tried to sit up, tried to ignore the pain so she could see where she was but ended up screaming in pain. Her dry, raw throat burned with the action and she faintly tasted the metallic taste of blood on her tongue. She squeezed her eyes shut as her ears began to ring. She could still feel her panic rising.

When she opened her eyes again, the brunette who was sleeping was standing over her, worry and concern etched into her beautiful features. Her eyes locked with her ice blue ones. Something about her eyes made her feel safe, familiar, even though her thoughts were confused and awry. Her lips were moving, but the ringing in her ears refused to let her hear the words.

The woman brought her hands up to cup her cheeks, trying to help her focus. They were so soft, and gentle, a welcomed change from the constant pain and emptiness she felt. Slowly, the womans voice broke through the ringing, becoming the beautiful, angelic voice she heard so often. It seemed like an eternity before it stopped and she could make out the woman's words.

"Shepard, can you hear me? Just try to relax, stay still. I know it hurts." She spoke in such an eloquent way, with an accent that she could not place. The words were so familiar as well and she had the strangest feeling of deja vu. She opened her dry mouth to speak again, this time finding her voice which came out raspy and low. "Water." she managed to say. The woman was off the bed in seconds and back in another with a glass of water and a straw.

"Drink slowly." she commanded before putting the straw to her lips. The cool water was so refreshing against her burning throat. She felt better almost instantly, despite the pain through her body. She was still thirsty when she finished the glass, and it didn't go missed by the other woman who quickly refilled it.

After her raw throat and thirst was quenched, she blurted out all the questions that were filling her mind. "Where am I? What happened to me?" The brunette seemed to consider the questions with much thought.

"You're in a hospital, you had an… accident. Do you not remember?" she asked slowly, observing her reaction.

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to focus her thoughts, but nothing came. It was blank. There was nothing. Not even who she was. The panic began again and the beeping sped up. The woman grabbed her hand and gently squeezed. "It's okay," she said in a soft voice full of concern. "Take your time."

"I… I don't remember anything. I-It's just blank. Who am I? Who are you, are you a doctor?" She opened her eyes in a pleading manner to the woman sitting on her hospital bed. The brunettes face went blank. Her expressions of worry and concern gone. Her eyes were filled with pain though, glossy with what seemed like unshed tears.

She was silent for a long time, obviously thinking of how to answer her questions. "My name is Miranda. You're Commander Jennifer Riley Shepard. You've been in this hospital for two months recovering. You… injured your head pretty badly. You've sustained multiple injuries, but you're making a full recovery." she explained, her eyes traveling down her body with a calculating eye.

"Commander? Wha-who, am I some kind of soldier, ma'am?" she stammered in confusion. Her head was throbbing. _Why can't I remember anything, dammit? _The woman smiled lightly, her beautiful lips curving up and showing a straight row of perfectly white teeth. "Yes. You're an Alliance soldier. You made the rank of Commander when you were just 25."

She scanned the room in confusion. _How is that possible? How is it she can't remember this?_ The brunettes hand caressed her cheek again, forcing her eyes back to hers. "Jennifer," she said softly, "You need to rest. We can talk more later. I'm going to figure this out and fix it, okay?" Shepard looked into Miranda's eyes and just knew she wasn't lying. Whoever this Miranda was to her before obviously meant a lot to her. And she could see that she meant a lot to Miranda as well. She merely nodded before wincing in pain.

"I'll be right here if you need me." Miranda said before moving back to the chair by the bed. Shepard followed her with her eyes, taking in this breath taking woman, before her eyes slowly closed and she fell into an uneasy sleep.

Once Shepard's eyes closed and her breathing became deep and even, Miranda let the tears fall. She covered her mouth to silence her quiet sobs and squeezed her eyes shut to try to stop the salty tears. All of her work, two months of sleepless nights and reviewing charts and examining her progress and she still lost her. She still lost Shepard. She knew it was a long shot, trying to restore her memories and the damage done to her temporal lobe, but the realization that she failed was too much.

For once in her life, Miranda Lawson didn't know what to do. She was lost, and confused, probably just as much as Shepard. When she first put Shepard's body back together, she had it planned. She had the resources and money from Cerberus unlimited. Now, she only had what was left after the war to work with, and that was extremely limited, even with the Alliance backing her.

She let out a shaky breath, regaining her composure. She needed to think. She has to help Shepard, has to get her back. Miranda bloody Lawson doesn't give up, especially on the person she fought tooth and nail to get back to.

She watched Shepard sleep for awhile, deliberating on what to do next. She was going to help Shepard remember, but she didn't want to overload the woman. _I'll just have to take it a day at a time… _After sometime, she decided to make herself useful. Shepard would be able to eat on her own now, and will be starving when she gets up. Miranda went to the hospital's cafeteria and got soup and pudding for Shepard, thinking heavily solid food wouldn't be good to start with.

She refilled the glass when she got back and set the tray on the bedside table. Shepard was muttering something unintelligible in her sleep when Miranda sat back down and awoke with a sharp intake of breath not too long after. Miranda covered Shepards hand in an instant, to show she was still there. Shepards head slowly lolled to the side to stare at her. Her piercing green eyes meeting her icy blue ones.

She looked so lost and it made Mirandas chest tighten with guilt. "Hi," she whispered quietly. Shepards soft lips curled into a wry smile and she muttered in her raspy, tired voice, "Hi." Miranda smiled back sadly.

"I brought you some soup and pudding if you're hungry." Shepard nodded, and as if trying to respond for her, her stomach growled. Miranda giggled quietly as she moved to help Shepard sit up. It was obviously a painful experience. Shepard held her breath, her face contorting in pain while Miranda tried gently to help her sit up.

"Here," Miranda said reaching for the pain pills and glass of water. Shepard took them with a thankful heavy sigh. Miranda took the bowl of soup and helped Shepard eat. After a while, Shepard finally spoke. "How bad were my injuries? I feel like I was run over by a pack of krogan a thousand times." she joked with her familiar smirk. Miranda shook her, _at least she didn't lose her sense of humor, _Miranda thought.

"You sustained heavy head trauma to your temporal lobe, which resulted in your memory loss. You had multiple fractured bones including almost all of your ribs, your right tibia and femur, most of your finger bones and three places in your back. You received multiple burns and lacerations, those being the simplest to repair, although you still have some scarring… " Miranda gaged Shepards reaction as she spoke.

Her eyes widened in response, but she said nothing, allowing Miranda to continue. "Your bones have mostly healed, though you will experience pain for quite some time while the damaged muscles recover. Your memories, however, will not be quite so easy to retrieve. I've done what I can, but… Only time will tell. The best outcome is they slowly return on their own. The worst, they do not. I will do my best to help, if you allow me." Miranda finished with a slight raise of her eyebrow.

Shepard nodded, "Yeah, of course. I mean… I don't really have a choice otherwise." she let out of a raspy chuckle. A slightly awkward silence fell between them, which hasn't happened since they first explored their feelings for each other back on their mission to defeat the collectors. Miranda felt a hollowness in her chest along with the experience. She wanted Shepard back, _her_ Shepard.

Shepard cleared her throat, "So… Where do we like start? What do we do?" Miranda looked at Shepard, still unclear about how to do this. "I thought we might just take it a day at a time. Theres a lot to discuss and I think its best if we do it slowly…" Miranda offered. Shepard nodded in agreement, turning her head to look out the hospital window. "We're on Earth, aren't we?" she asked after a moment.

"Yes, we are. Do you remember anything about the war?" Miranda asked cautiously. Shepard shook her head and looked back to her with confused eyes.

Miranda sighed and started from the beginning. She told Shepard about her mission against Seran, his plans to help the Reapers, and about her crew. About how she lost Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams on Virmire. She explained the Reapers plans to Shepard and how a collector ship attacked the Normandy SR1 and how she died. She retold how Miranda herself brought Shepard back when she was still with Cerberus, how they brought a team together to defeat the Collectors. Then to finish, she told Shepard about how she united the galaxy against the Reapers to take back Earth and how she went into the Citadel, destroying the Reapers and the Mass Relays along with all synthetic life.

Miranda herself wasn't sure what Shepard did, but she didn't care. The Reapers were gone and Shepard was found barely alive in the middle of the battlefield. Shepard took the information rather well, and as always, made jokes.

"So I'm like some galactic badass then? That's awesome! Me and Jesus gotta be on the same level now, right? You know, with the whole dying thing." Miranda just rolled her eyes, a small smile playing on her lips. Of course she tells Shepard devastating news and all she does is make light of it. Her smile faded, however, as she reflected on their time on the Normandy SR2. She left out their more than… professional relationship for now. "Hey," Shepard asked, taking note of her sudden distress. "What is it?" her concern making the hollowness in Miranda's chest all the more painful. She shook her head, waving off Shepards concern.

"Nothing," she smiled reassuringly. "You should rest now. We'll talk more tomorrow." Miranda helped Shepard lay back down. She grazed her fingers along her cheek, "Don't worry," she said, trying to relay any concerns Shepard might be feeling. "We'll fix this."

Shepard smiled, clearly not as derailed by this new dilemma as Miranda. "I know we will. You will. I mean, you brought me back to life once, this should be a walk in the park." she laughed before it turned into a yawn. Miranda smiled, not quite as confident as usual, but when has Miranda Lawson or Commander Shepard ever failed?


	2. An Old Friend

"Well, if it isn't the queen of the Girl Scouts." a lanky tattoo covered woman laughed from the doorway, striding in as if she owned the place and sitting cross legged in front of Shepard. Shepard looked up from her datapad and stared questioningly at the woman. She was quite odd looking, to put it mildly. Her head was shaved on either side except for the top that was pulled back into a long ponytail, every part of her body had tattoos, covering up areas that her outfit did not.

"Uh, hi?" Shepard asked cautiously, quietly. The woman slightly glared at Shepard, "What? Don't know how to speak anymore, Shep? I guess that bubbly butt Cerberus Princess isn't as good as she thought, shit." the woman laughed, a bit too hard considering Shepard had no idea what she was talking about or who she was. Shepard let out a shaky awkward laugh, trying not to offend the wild woman. She stopped and glared at her again before punching her slightly in the arm. Shepard instinctively reached to counter the assault only to have pain shoot down through her spine and radiate throughout her body. She groaned in pain and tensed in response.

The womans gaze turned to one of slight concern and she retreated a few steps away from the bed. "Shit, sorry. I was just fucking around, Shepard." Shepard ground her teeth, trying to relax, waiting for the waves of pain to subside. "I thought the Cheerleader fixed you, what's the deal?"

"I'm sorry," Shepard stated slowly, somehow knowing that this woman could set off easily and wanted to prevent that from happening, "I don't know who this "Cheerleader" is, or who you are… If you're talking about Miranda then she's doing what she can for me, but doesn't have a lot of elbow room after the war." Shepard watched as the womans face contorted into an awry of emotions. First she looked shocked, maybe confused, then it twisted into a sneer of rage to only later soften into a scowl.

"Wait, so you don't remember anything? What the fuck, all the shit we went through and it wasn't worth a damn?" the womans outburst didn't surprise Shepard, somehow she was expecting it. Shepard sighed, clearly this woman had enact for instigating things and Shepard had grown accustom to it. "No, but Miranda says I'll get my memories back, she's helping me put pieces together. She hasn't given me any names though other than Admiral Anderson and Admiral Hackett."

"Fuck that, my name is Jack, and if the Cheerleader did her job right you'd know that." she growled, "You'd think she'd do anything to save her girlfriend, but whatever. She's always been a bitch like that." Jack waved a flippant hand, dismissing her own statement. Shepard gawked at her, clearly Miranda has been keeping back quite a bit. "Her what?" Shepard asked lamely.

"She hasn't told you that bit yet?" Jack let out a laugh, holding her sides as she continued. Shepard just watched, her mouth agape. It has to be a joke, right? Why would Miranda… And her… What?

"What?" Shepard whispered aloud.

"Jack!" A commanding voice bellowed from the door, they both missed the sound of it sliding open due to Jacks laughter. She continued to giggle even as Miranda glared at her, her icy blue eyes piercing causing a shiver to run down Shepards spine, even when it wasn't directed at her. "Damn, Cheerleader, you fucked up." Jack said, smiling like it wasn't at all cruel. "Get out!" Miranda screeched, taking threatening steps towards the tattooed woman. Jack took the challenge and sized up Miranda as if they've done this before. "Or what, Cheerleader? I could still smear the walls with you, not like your any help to Shepard, anyway." Miranda opened her mouth to respond, but Shepard cut in before it got any further, "Enough!" she yelled, taking on the Commander role she use to have as easily as putting on a glove, "Jack, do you mind? I think Miranda and I have a lot to talk about." she said calmly, trying not to provoke the wild woman any further.

"That you fucking do, I'll see you 'round, Shepard." she pushed past Miranda, bumping shoulders more roughly than necessary. Miranda stood facing the window, her back to Shepard. "Miranda-"

"I didn't say anything because it would've been too much!" she snapped, still not facing Shepard. _Too much for me or you? _Shepard thought sadly. "It's alright, Miranda, I get it." She turned with unfocused, glossy eyes and let out a heavy sigh. "It doesn't change what I said, about a day at a time. You're not obligated to feel anything towards someone you don't know." she said with a detached demeanor, only faltering and becoming quiet at the end.

Shepard smiled sadly once more, feeling her own heartbreak for this woman. It was sorrow and guilt she felt, not pressure. She must have loved this woman a lot and to not remember left her weighed with guilt and regret. Looking at Miranda, she still felt it, like a ghost touch of a long lost lover. She felt the tug her smile brought to her heart, the way her breath caught when she spoke Shepards name, the déjà vu of a soft tough or teasing remark. It was frightening, to feel this for a person she didn't know, or forgot about. The guilt of what she must be putting Miranda through was like an anchor pulling her heart into the pit of her stomach making her feel sick. _Why can't I just remember?!_

"I know, I'm-" _your what? Sorry doesn't fix this. _"I'm doing the best I can." she finished softly, rubbing her temple trying to ward off the oncoming headache. Miranda crossed the room, starting a new IV line of pain relievers. She sat beside Shepard and playfully swatted her hand away from her head, "Here, let me." she said gently, grabbing the base of her head with both hands, her fingers squeezing and running down the back of neck and contours of her spine, stopping above her back.

"Ahhh," Shepard gasped at the sharp pinch, tensing back up. Miranda giggled, a sound that gave Shepard goosebumps each time, "Oh stop," she said reprimanded. " You use to love this whenever you got headaches." The second time Miranda did this send shivers through her body, slowly relaxing her tense posture. The pressure in her head immediately began to let up. "Oh god, you're good at that. I must've got 'em a lot."

Miranda laughed at how quickly Shepard melted to her touch, _at least I know I still have that effect on her._ They fell into a comfortable silence while Miranda messaged Shepards neck and shoulders. Miranda waited for Shepard to start asking questions, but they never came. Eventually, Miranda heard the familiar light snore that was only Shepard. She gently placed a pillow behind her head, and pulled the blankets over her shoulders. She rubbed her eyes, feeling the effects of her insomnia reigning in. She left the room and headed for the cafeteria, grabbing a coffee and sitting at a table in the far corner of the room.

She buried her face in her hands, releasing an audible sigh. She has never been under this much stress before, even when she was running from her father or the Illusive Man. She didn't know how to handle this, she should have planned better for this. She was trying to be cautious, not to overload Shepard with too much, but at the same time just wanting to tell her everything, breakdown and tell her how happy she was when they found her, alive. It was the greatest feeling in the world to know she was still alive, no matter how broken she was. Miranda was determined to bring her back from the brink of death once more, and she did, kind of. Her scans show no long term damage other than scars and maybe some aches, but her implants will hold up and if she wishes, they can create skin grafts to remove the scars. The damage to her head is healing nicely as well, but Miranda still can't find the reason for the memory loss. _Hopefully it will come back with time…_

"Cheerleader." Miranda looked up to the stoic face of Jack. She groaned, this was the last person she wanted to see right now. "Don't look so thrilled to see me," she rolled her eyes and took a seat from across Miranda. "What is it, Jack?" she questioned, pinching the bridge of her nose in irritation.

"Nothin', wanted to see how the Girl Scouts doing." she said, grabbing Miranda's coffee and chugging it. Miranda glared at her, but gave up shortly after knowing it wouldn't bother the convict. "As well as someone can given her trauma."

"Well shit, her memory ain't. Why the hell didn't you tell her?"

"Because shes not ready for it. Shes only been awake for two days, Jack. She needs time to process everything that has happened recently, theres time for the past later." Jack snorted, clearly not approving of Miranda's method of action. "Whatever, Princess. You wanna know what I think?"

"Not really, but I imagine you'll tell me regardless." Miranda said sarcastically. Jack smirked, she enjoyed annoying Miranda. "I think you should tell her about everything you two went through. Shes still Shepard, and she'll still love you." Jack stood, Miranda watched, unsure what to say. Jack trying to help was… shocking, to say the least. "You just needa remind her s'all." she shrugged, "I don't think it'll be too much for her. Not knowing anything is too much for her. She needs to feel whole again, connected to something, and you're the only one who can do that. So stop being a bitch and get your head outta your ass." she smiled down at Miranda rolling her eyes.

"You know, you almost sounded profound until the end."

"You know, I don't give a shit. I'll see you 'round, Cheerleader. If you ever need help getting your head out of that big bubbly butt of yours, just gimme a call." she winked before walking off. Miranda sat, shocked, irritated, and grateful all at once. Maybe Jacks right… Though Miranda would never admit that. Maybe all she needed to do was tell Shepard everything, and then let her decide what to do after that. It might even jump start other memories. Miranda shook her head, what was wrong with her? She never missed critical calculations like this. _I blame the sleep deprivation, _she thought to herself.

She decided to let Shepard rest for the day and propose the idea to Shepard tomorrow. After all, it was up to Shepard if she wanted to take that step. _But for now, _Miranda thought, picking up the empty coffee cup. _Need more caffine..._

* * *

><p><strong>So, a lot of people seem to like this story, as do I. I'll try to keep this and my others updated as much as I can, you know, between work and school. Let me know what you think or if you have any tips on what I might need to fix. Thanks!<strong>


	3. Memories

_"Shepard! There's too many, we need to get the civilians out of here!" Sgt. Ryan Vincent yelled over the explosions and gunfire. Shepard refused to cease fire, even after hearing her friend. "Shepard!" he tried again, pulling her down to cover. Shepard stared into his eyes, seeing the fear and desperation. Looking past him, she saw the same look in the surrounding civilian residents of Elysium. There were too many Batarians for them all to make a run for it. Someone had to hold them off, buy the rest time to escape to the nearest docking bay... _

_She looked back to Vincent, a man who saved her life more times than she could count, her squad mate, a trusted friend. She took a deep breath, opening her comm. to the rest of the squad. "Vincent, get these people out of here alive. The rest of you are going with him, I'll hold them off." There was a break in return fire. "Lt. Commander, you can't just-" _

_"That's an order, Vincent! I'll buy you enough time to get to the shuttles." The rest of the squad was quiet while Vincent shook his head vigorously. "Shepard, you can't sacrifice yourself! We can make it!" Shepard grabbed the collar of his shirt, none of them armored being on leave. "There's not enough time! I can defend this position long enough for you to get the rest of these people into an escape shuttle. The docking bay isn't that far and you need the rest of the squad for defense. Now, go! That's an order!" She shoved him back roughly, emphasizing her authority. _

_He stared for a moment, clearly torn with following a direct order from his commanding officer and insubordination for a friend, a sister in arms. Eventually, he pulled himself together, issuing orders like the leader Shepard knew he was. "You heard her, Hendricks and Felix cover our flank. Martinez and Taylor, keep up barriers. Everybody else, keep those Batarian bastards at a distance, that means you Reed! Pay attention, move!" He issued orders, getting to his feet and telling the civilians to stay calm. Shepard stood out from cover, returning the lost cover fire. Vincents voice came over the comm. for the last time, "Lt. Commander," He said, panting in his haste, "Once we get everybody to the shuttles, we're doubling back to get you, just hold on." _

_Shepard sighed heavily, reloading a thermal clip. "Goddamnit, I gave you an order, a chance to live, now take it!" _

"_No can do, Shepard. You're our leader, a sister and the best damn soldier in the Alliance." _

_She broke cover, shooting a Batarian through one of four eyes. "You have a family, Vincent! I don't. Your daughter needs you, your wife. Your mother, father, brother. Don't get yourself killed over someone who has nothing to lose." She pleaded with him, trying to give him a reason. _

"_But, Lt. Command-" He tried again. "No, Sgt. Don't come back." She cut the comm. on her omni-tool. She squeezed her eyes shut, seeing the faces of dead civilians, children. Remembering the slaughter that was Mindoir, the faces of those shes lost to Batarian slavers. She could feel her body pulsing with biotic energy, her anger bubbling and boiling over in the form of her biotics. _

_She stepped out of cover, her body enveloped in a purple glow. Clips bounced off her biotic barrier, not fazing her threatening steps. Her eyes were black, engulfed with an awry of emotions. The first Batarian unfortunate enough to catch her gaze was immediately lifted from the ground only to be slammed back down seconds later. His skull flattening and exploding against the pavement. Curses rang out in the courtyard, Batarian fire increasing rapidly only to be deflected. _

_As they wasted their clips, Shepard tore through them like a hurricane of destruction. Batarian after Batarian meeting a fatal end as the advanced biotic threw, ripped, and slaughtered them. Some tried to retreat only to be pulled back by biotic energy and having the same ending. _

_It seemed like hours to Shepard, but it only took a couple minutes for her to defeat the remaining Batarian soldiers. She dropped to her hands and knees when the last body lay lifeless before her, breathing heavily and feeling the effects of burning so much energy at once. She reached shakily to her omni-tool, reconnecting her comm._

"_Sgt. Vincent," she said breathlessly, "The Batarian threat has been," she took a deep breath, "neutralized." _

_She waited, hearing no response. "Sgt. Ryan Vincent, do you copy." She asked more firmly. There was static before another voice came over the comm. "Lt. Commander?" Lance Corporal Reed responded. "Ma'am, Sgt- Sgt. Vincent is dead." She stuttered, clearly overwhelmed. "We were ambushed by stragglers. Corporal Taylor and Private Hendricks are injured, but the threat has been neutralized and-and the civilians are being loaded onto shuttles," she paused, then seeming to remember her rank, bit out a quick and sharp "Ma'am." _

_Shepard didn't care, however. She dropped on her side, rolling on her back to stare up at the empty, blue sky of Elysium. Her eyes burned with unshed tears and exhaustion, but she knew it would have to wait. "Reed, keep sharp until I get there. I won't be long." She hauled herself up, stumbling from her lack of strength. She straightened her spine, reloading a fresh thermal clip and breathing deeply._ Some vacation...

Shepard awoke to the sound of… _Paper turning?_ She looked over sluggishly to see Miranda sitting in the armchair, her legs crossed and tucked under her like a child, a real book in her hands. Shepard couldn't read the cover, but whatever it was Miranda was thoroughly engrossed. Her brow was furrowed slightly in thought, creating a perfect, cute indent in the middle. She chewed slightly on her bottom lip as her eyes mowed over the words. Shepard smiled at the sight, she truly was beautiful in more ways than one.

"A real book, huh?" Shepard asked, her voice rough with sleep. Miranda looked up, a small smile playing at the corner of her lip, "Yes, I like the way the pages feel and smell." She closed the book, setting it on a nearby table before crossing the room to help Shepard sit up. "Yeah, nothing beats crusty pages and moldy book smell." Shepard teased, smirking when Miranda rolled her eyes. "I'll have you know, you bought me that book."

Shepard chuckled, "Must of cost me a fortune."

"A small one, but you said it was worth it." Miranda gloated.

"Tsk, Ms. Lawson, taking advantage of my memory loss are we?" Miranda rolled her eyes again, but allowed a small laugh to pass her lips. "How did you sleep?"

Shepards smile faltered slightly and tore her gaze from Miranda. "Good," she shrugged. Miranda gave her a questioning look, clearly unconvinced. "You always were a bad liar." She said, "What is it?"

Shepard sighed heavily, the dream still fresh in her mind. "I think… It was more of a bad memory than a bad dream." She said softly, picturing her squadmates faces. Miranda sat beside her, taking her hand and softly stroking the palm with her thumb. It was incredibly soothing, Shepard found, calming her rising anxiety from the memory.

"Which one?" Miranda whispered and at her question, Shepard wondered how many others there were. "Elysium." She answered. Miranda nodded quietly, already knowing the full extent of that story. They stayed that way for awhile, Shepard watching Miranda's thumb and Miranda humming a familiar song. She'd heard it before, she was sure, but what was the name… "Nielson's Fifth." She said aloud when it clicked, looking toward Miranda, her smile radiant and captivating. Shepard had to take a deep breath to try and slow her heart rate. "You remember." Miranda said proudly, giving Shepards hand a light squeeze.

"How much do you remember about us, Shepard?" Miranda questioned softly, not meeting her gaze. Shepard thought for a moment, trying to think of something, anything. The truth was, she didn't remember anything. Miranda herself was familiar, but other than the feelings she gets around Miranda, she doesn't remember a thing. She wants to lie, knowing that truth would certainly hurt, but knows better now. "Nothing, honestly. I," she hesitated, unsure exactly how to express what she feels. Miranda looks up to her in anticipation, and looking into her deep blue eyes, seeing the pain, the loss, the love behind all her masked emotions made Shepard hazy. She didn't know how to put into words what she felt for a woman she barely remembered.

So naturally, being the illiterate, but bold Commander Shepard, she simply grabbed Miranda and kissed her. It was rough, at first, sloppy in her haste, but as quickly as it happened, it softened to a passionate slow kiss. They melted into one another, fitting perfectly. Miranda hummed surprised content, but never resisted. Her hand came to rest over one of Shepards against her cheek, relishing the warm feel of her lover once again. Shepard only hoped that it was enough, the action speaking louder than any words she could have said. When they finally broke apart for air, they were breathless, eyes closed with their foreheads resting against each other.

"I don't remember, but I know what I feel." Shepard whispered, brushing her lips against Miranda's once more before pulling back to look at her. Her face was flushed, her pale cheeks a rosy red. Shepard smiled at the sight. "Good," Miranda said simply, still trying to catch her breath. "There's still time for the rest, but for now…" Miranda grabbed Shepard once more, pressing her body closer to her and recapturing her lips. _But for now, I just need you close again._


	4. Isn't Real

_ "Then finish this Shepard, and find me." Those were the last words she spoke to me. The last time I heard her voice. Her Australian accent coming out thicker due to an unusual display of emotion. Miranda was never one to let her feelings show, but as the hologram flickered in front of me, I could see the pain etched on her face. _

_ "I wish I was there, with you." She had said, letting on to the reason for her pain. "I know, me too." even as I spoke those words, I knew they weren't completely true. What was about to happen, what I knew was going to happen… I couldn't bare the thought of her being in the middle of it as well. No, I was glad she was somewhere safe, some Alliance science lab. Far from Earth. Far from what was about to happen. _

_ My chest tightened as I looked upon her face for what I thought was the last time. I wanted to say everything in that final moment. I wanted to pour my heart out to her. Tell her exactly how I had felt ever since I woke up on her operating table and saw her. Tell her I love her and that if I don't make it back, that she knows she meant everything to me. _

_ But no. I stood there, staring at her, wasting my last minute with her. As the hologram flickered out without another word, I felt as though I was punched in the gut. Now, I'll never have the chance to tell her. She'll never know. I can only hope I showed her how I felt. The soldier by the hologram controls turned to me, "Is there anyone else?" I continued to stare at where Miranda's projection use to be, "No," I said sadly, "There's no one else." _

_ I turned from him, hardening myself back into the Commander I am. As I walked out onto the broken and deserted streets of London, my omni-tool pinged. "Shepard, it's time." Anderson said as soon as I accepted the comm. I squeezed my eyes tight, trying to prepare myself. "I'll be right there." I disconnected the comm. and made my way to him._

* * *

><p>"Miranda?" Shepard asked as she put the datapad down on the end table. Miranda hummed a questioning response, not looking up from hers. "What happened after the last time we spoke? I mean on Earth. I remember heading for Admiral Anderson to prepare for the final assault after our holocall but then nothing." Miranda looked up at that, turning off the datapad. "You remember the last time we spoke?" She asked, her brows furrowing in confusion. Shepard rubbed at the back of her neck nervously, "yeah, it just came to mind." Miranda seemed even more confused at that confession, but decided to put it aside until later.<p>

"I… I don't entirely know. No one does. Only you and Admiral Anderson ever made it to the beam and then before anyone even knew you made it, the Reapers were falling along with the Geth, AI's, VI's and the mass relays."

Shepard sighed, remembering EDI but not what she did that ended her... Life. For some reason though, she felt like it was a hard choice, a selfish choice. She looked to Miranda, who was watching her in that 'sciency' look she got when she was studying something. Shepard shifted uncomfortably in the bed.

So uncomfortable with the rooms atmosphere that she ignored the pain in her back and neck. The look on Miranda's face was all too familiar, and unsettling, but she couldn't place why.

"What?" Shepard asked, her voice cracking with nerves. Miranda blinked, finally registering Shepards nervousness. "I'm sorry," she apologized immediately, "I forgot you hated that."

"Is it because of the whole 'dying and being rebuilt thing'? You must of did that a lot because it makes my skin crawl." Shepard shivered, feeling exactly that. Miranda whispered another 'sorry' under her breath, her face masked with regret. She got up before Shepard could say anything else and started reviewing charts on a nearby terminal.

"Whatcha doing?" Shepard questioned, leaning to peak over Miranda's shoulder at the terminal. She ignored the question to ask with her own, "What were you doing that triggered your memory?"

Shepard looked at the datapad she had been using. "I was reading Admiral Anderson's autobiography." She waved it at Miranda to hide the guilt she felt whenever she spoke of him. Miranda saw it, but knew better than to say anything. She sighed in exasperation, "it's going to take time, but it's good to see progress." She sat on the bed, looking at Shepard, who was pointedly not meeting Miranda's gaze.

She placed her hand on Shepards and gave a reassuring squeeze.

Miranda could always see the guilt Shepard felt and the weight it carried. She saw it when she first told her about Navigator Pressly's fate and the rest of the SR1 crew. She saw it when she emerged from Thane's hospital room. She saw it when they said goodbye. "I'm sure whatever happened on the Citadel wasn't your fault, Jen." Shepard opened her mouth to debate, but closed it after some thought and nodded.

She smiled at her, "thanks, Miranda." She smiled back, squeezing her hand once more. "Get some rest, I'm meeting Jacob soon about remaining Cerberus cells."

She leaned in, giving Shepard a light kiss, only to have two heavy arms wrap around her neck in an unrelenting bear hug. She grunted in surprise, but hugged back with a lighter touch. "Thanks, Miranda." Shepard repeated, releasing her from her grip. "Of course, Shepard." Miranda smiled, making her way to the door.

* * *

><p><em>"Anderson?" Shepard tentatively asked, scared of the answer she may receive or worse, won't. Silence. It dragged on through the Citadel. "Anderson?" She tried again, her voice cracking with emotion. She could feel the pressure build behind her eyes as tears threatened to break the silence. She didn't want to look, couldn't. She knew the answer but denied herself the proof. The Illusive Man laid dead in front of her, and she could feel the anger well inside her. <em>

_ It was useless, what was done is done. She looked down to her stomach, numb to the pain she should feel with the amount of blood seeping through her armor. Minutes passed until Admiral Hackett's voice answered over the comm. "Commander? Commander, the Conduit's not working. It's got to be something on your end. Commander, are you there?" It took sometime for his voice to register. Shepard tried to pull herself up, only to fall back next to Anderson. She began to crawl to the control panel in her last attempt. "I don't… I don't see where to…" She tried to talk to Hackett, to answer and help, but everything was fading. She didn't know what to do. _

_ She noticed the stars first, peaceful. Almost as if a war wasn't going on. When she rolled over, she felt it then. The sharp stabbing in her abdomen. It was still bleeding, but she was able to stand and take in her surroundings. _

_The second thing she noticed was the childlike projection staring at her. It told her the Reapers are the solution, to bring order to chaos. It told her she had to make a choice, destroy all synthetics or to become a synthetic, control the Reapers. She couldn't decide. She'd cease to exist if she controls the Reapers, but EDI, the Geth, they'd die if she destroyed them. It was an impossible choice, and her answer was selfish. She wanted to return to Miranda, she needed to. It wasn't a guarantee, but it was a chance she was willing to take. And she took it. _

She woke up breathless and covered in sweat. The hospital room was dark except for the moonlight and city lights shining through the window. She rubbed the sweat and sleep from her eyes, trying to catch her breath. "That couldn't have been real, right?" She told herself softly. But it felt real, it felt familiar.

She rolled over gently to stare out the window. "It's not real." She told herself again, even though she knew it was.


End file.
